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Grief is Paralyzing

I know an apology isn’t necessary, but I'm a people pleaser and I’m sorry I haven’t written anything in the last couple of months. We’re quickly approaching two years since Lindsay was diagnosed with colon cancer and five months since she passed, and I still cannot believe it. Yesterday I had the Facebook memory of our first date after Ellis was born, which was also our last normal night together because the next day she started experiencing the abdominal pain that lead to her cancer diagnosis a week later.

7/6/2019 - Date Night at Red House in Renton

I’ve continued to cope by keeping myself uncomfortably busy (my new catchphrase), which is not difficult with work, keeping the kids alive, and keeping the house together, but it also prevents me from feeling anything too deeply. Lindsay always liked to describe me as a duck in water - I look calm on the surface but my feet are rapidly moving


I still feel as though Lindsay could walk through the front door at any moment and this nightmare would be over. I also recently had my first vivid dream from which I awoke and expected to find Lindsay laying next to me (but of course, she wasn’t). I’ve made very few steps in moving forward - her toothbrush is still next to mine, her makeup table remains untouched, her clothes remain in her dresser and closet - her presence is everywhere in our home. I traded in our cars for something new (that has been fun), but generally I’m operating on auto-pilot and going through the motions and routines of the day: wake up, shower, get dressed, get the kids up/dressed/to daycare, work, pick up the kids from daycare, figure out dinner, feed the kids, get the kids ready for bed, put the kids to bed, attempt to relax, attempt to sleep, wake up, and repeat. I don't know anything different. I’ve come to realize during dinner how lonely grief is, or during days like today where work and dealing with people is difficult. I want to ask Lindsay about her day and tell her about mine. I want someone I can discuss and ponder life decisions with. I want to vent but know everything will be okay since I’m living my best life with my best friend.


On top of it all, I was notified last month that Lindsay had finished the Recompose process and her soil was delivered to me last week. The anxiety of that delivery and moment stirred up a lot of emotion. There was a comfort in knowing Lindsay was home with me but also a sadness in knowing the process was complete.

Bells Mountain Conservation Forest - Lindsay's soil will be used to nourish a group Red Alders

I’ve shared with some the struggles I experienced on Father’s Day. It was one of the hardest days I’ve had since Lindsay died because it felt like a reminder that Lindsay is gone instead of a celebration of being a father. We were never big about celebrating Hallmark holidays, but there was still an appreciation for each other and this year the day was just like any other Sunday. I’ve only known my adult life as a partner to Lindsay and I am the father I am because of Lindsay. Everything around me is a reminder of what Lindsay and I accomplished together and yet here I sit without her. On the one hand, I have a wonder and excitement for what’s next, but on the other hand, I’m paralyzed by the thought of letting go.


My intent here is not to be a downer, but I feel it's important to share my thoughts and emotions instead of continuing to hide behind a figurative stack of papers or computer screen. With that, I'll end on a positive - Arya and Ellis continue to impress me everyday and I could not imagine going through this without them. Seriously, it would be very easy to give up if I didn't have those two little gems to keep me excited for each new day.


Arya is the sweetest and most compassionate 4-year-old imaginable. She is witty, smart, and such a confident little lady - just like her mama. She constantly tells me how much she loves me and how she wants everyday to be Father's Day (which I've resisted because the real day was hard, but I can't ignore how loving this is). She's my kiddo and it's a joy to watch her personality grow.


Meanwhile, Ellis is the constant observer that wants to be just like his sister. He very much takes after me in how he evaluates, processes, and understands a situation before jumping in. He is mysteriously confident and has a sly humor far beyond his 2-years. He also loves to dance, but the mood has to be just right, and he's becoming quite the little athlete (no more real golf balls in the house). He's my little buddy and and I'm excited to continue watching him continue to grow into a little person.



I can never thank you all enough for the continued love and support. The shared thoughts and messages mean the world to me. I continue to be in awe each day of the impact Lindsay had on the world and the expanse of her web. I hope to continue that impact through my own actions and by raising our two littles that carry Lindsay with them everywhere they go.


Finally, a very special thanks to our St. Thomas School family for their naming of the new rooftop playfield in Lindsay's honor ("The Lindsay Larsen Playfield"). My heart is so touched by this gesture and I'm uplifted by all the fun and dancing kids will have under Lindsay's name.


Much love to you all!

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Tammy Fisher Huson
Tammy Fisher Huson
10 Ιουλ 2021

Chris,

These are such beautiful words. Keep saying them. Keep feeling them. Keep knowing that everything you are feeling and doing and living is a gift of her legacy. You are such an incredible father and husband and human - despite the paralyzing nature of your day to day/moment to moment grief. I think of her daily - she was light and joy. And that is Arya and Ellis - in the laughter, in the sunshine, and even in the tears. Thank you for taking the time to share this with us - knowing we all are still here to hear you. And hold you in our hearts and prayers. And celebrate her and you and life and getting through…

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Ada Huang
Ada Huang
08 Ιουλ 2021

Wish you and kids all the best!

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Kelly Snyder Chang
Kelly Snyder Chang
08 Ιουλ 2021

Thank you Chris, for your beautiful words and lovely tribute to Lindsay.

You never need to please or apologize! Lindsay touched so many, and now you are doing the same through her. You are doing the hardest but most amazing job right now with your sweet babies. Sending hugs.

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drewski444
drewski444
08 Ιουλ 2021

Much love to you my friend, you and the kids are on my mind often and in my heart always.


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Amanda Cox Mollahan
Amanda Cox Mollahan
08 Ιουλ 2021

I think your posts mean more than you will ever know. They offer inspiration, hope and strength. They are a reminder that Lindsay is still alive in you, in Arya and in Ellis. They are a reminder that we do not truly ever have to let go but to hang on tight to those precious memories and fight for forward motion. Sending love to you all!

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