How can one year feel like both the longest and shortest measurement of time? It feels like just yesterday we lost Lindsay and thereafter bore witness to her transformation during the laying in ceremony. I can still feel and remember both the love and tragedy of that last week. It will forever be the hardest time of my life. The rollercoaster of emotions we felt while holding out hope the cancer treatments could continue, to being told Lindsay only had days left–I found love and strength for Lindsay I never imagined possible. I can still vividly remember the day we received the horrible diagnosis and all the strength Lindsay showed as she underwent countless rounds of chemotherapy. We laughed, cried, and continued to love each other through it all.
Despite this all feeling like yesterday, it also seems like an eternity since Lindsay was with us and I was able to hold her in my arms. I miss her every day and it feels like forever since life (as I knew it then) was normal. Using some of the words I have shared before, life was supposed to be on cruise control. We had our first home, two kids, and careers we were passionate about - it was time to reap the benefits of our love and hard work - but that life was taken away by cancer. Fuck cancer.
In this past year I’ve continually been in awe of Lindsay’s ongoing presence. Her spunk and joy for life is so present in both Arya and Ellis, and I carry a new appreciation for life myself. This morning I was reminded by Marilyn, Lindsay’s mom, that Arya and Ellis are her gift to us all.
Life is a privilege and tomorrow, next month, next year, or anytime thereafter is never guaranteed. I have really taken this to heart as I discover new love and explore new adventures and opportunities. It would be too easy to let today be a day of sorrow but I hope we can all take a moment and reminisce on a favorite memory you have with Lindsay, or any memory you have with a lost loved one.
For me, I will never forget our weekend movie nights. We would go all out with drinks, popcorn, snacks, and even caramel covered apples for a time. It was our time at the end of each week to be together and decompress. I will also always cherish the special evenings we had at the St. Thomas School auctions, our adventures in Palm Springs, and of course, the births of our amazing children.
Despite being reminded today of the events of one year ago, it is these cherished and pre-cancer memories that become more present in my mind with each passing day. Today, I use these memories and experiences to shape how I parent Arya and Ellis, and how I explore and develop new love.
Thank you all for continuing to provide so much support to Arya, Ellis, and me. I can confidently say I would not be as well-balanced as I am today - one year later - without all of you. Whether it be through messages, meals, visits, donations, or grief meetings, every ounce of love and support has lifted me up on the hardest days.
As a closing, I don’t believe I shared the plants I have that literally incorporate part of Lindsay in the soil, but here they are as another reminder of the amazing life Lindsay had. Much love to you all!