I am missing Lindsay so much. I keep finding myself thinking I am doing okay and then something hits me out of nowhere. A memory, a gift that is in my house from Lindsay (and I seem to have a lot of them), or even just thinking that I won't see her again hits me hard. Also, I always feel like it is when I am on my way to do something, I think that is when my brain has a moment to rest from my kids and the commotion of life. Grief is complex and I am thinking about everyone who loved Lindsay as you grieve her loss too. She was a bright light to so many and her absence will be noticed. I wrote this a few weeks ago and shared it on my blog. I hope to come back and share other memories in time.
I met Lindsay on her wedding day, well technically the day before at the rehearsal dinner. I was that person who showed up at the wedding that really probably shouldn’t have been there. They almost tried to make me get in the group family photo and I insisted I shouldn’t be in the photo. I had only been dating Mitchell for 3 months, so I could have easily been the weird girl that was in the family photo and never became part of the family. Lindsay and Chris never once made me feel like I shouldn’t be there, they were so welcoming and just excited to be getting married. Lindsay was the most beautiful bride. She had the biggest smile and just seemed so happy. You could feel the love between Lindsay and Chris in the room. They were sweethearts, soul mates, destined to be together. They truly have quite the love story and I always appreciated witnessing their love for each other. And, on her wedding day, I had no idea how lucky I was going to be to get to know her and have her for my sister-in-law.
I have to say, as I have been reading stories that others are sharing on her page, all the while crying, I am so encouraged by knowing that she was authentic with everyone. These stories that people are sharing, I can confidently say, I knew that Lindsay too. I saw that part of her personality too. She was caring, kind, and loved everyone. She always wanted to know more about your story and how you were doing. She made sure that people knew that they weren’t alone and that they were seen by her. That is special. Not everyone is good about recognizing the people around them. Even when she was in the hospital right before she passed she was texting me trying to ask how I was doing knowing that it had been a lot for me to just recently lose my sister and my parents were back down in Arizona for a bit. I didn’t tell her, but a combination of things including her being in the hospital had me in tears most of that week. We had plans to eat Dairy Queen Blizzards and cry together when she got out of the hospital. You bet I ate a Blizzard and cried the night she passed away. I only wish it was with her.
As I mentioned, Lindsay was someone who always wanted to know more about your story. To get to know you and learn how to care for you as her friend. She was someone who always knew about the hard things going on in my life. She was observant too and could pinpoint things that might be hard. She would ask specific questions that showed she truly wanted to know more about me. When I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, she was there to support me and often would ask how I was doing. She was one of the biggest supporters of my blog. And, she wanted to make sure that I was taking care of myself. She would check in with me on how my sister was doing over the years and truly cared for my sister as well. She reached out to my sister when she found out she was also diagnosed with cancer so that my sister wouldn’t feel alone in her battle. Lindsay was the kind of family that everyone hopes they have, but not everyone is so lucky to have. I am truly blessed that she was a part of my family and showed me genuine kindness.
I have been having just a flood of memories pop into my head. Some are just moments of laughing and being goofy with Lindsay, remembering the way she talked and joked. I truly feel a gaping hole between Lindsay and my sister. Both of those two were some of the funniest people I knew in my life. They both had humor that I only wish I had. I am so thankful to have memories of time with Lindsay. I also keep noticing how many things around my house are gifts from her or things that remind me of her. Lindsay always seemed to have the best knowledge of baby/kid products. She even brought me with her to this big “baby shower event” where we could go check out all sorts of kid products and we were able to get super cheap Tula carriers. I truly cherish the memory of that day with her because it was just the two of us and we had some really good, deep, meaningful conversations that day. We also made it light and were sure to grab samples of just about everything even if we didn’t want or need it. I think there was an ice cream station that we hit up about 3 times because, of course, ice cream.
These last few years as we started having kids, along with my other sister-in-law Cory, I felt especially connected and close to Lindsay. All of our babies are of similar ages. We all chatted about our kids often, and when I was pregnant, Lindsay was someone who reached out and told me that if I had any questions at all about pregnancy to not hesitate to ask her. Nothing was too gross or weird for her, she wanted to be there for me. You bet I took her up on that offer one time. I have been so grateful that we were all lucky enough to have our kids close together. I am thankful that we were able to grow close to one another and learn from one another.
I am having a hard time because I just feel like there is no way one post can sum up the way I feel about a person. No way that I can express all my feelings or share all of my memories. It is hard to even share this because it feels like I am missing something.
I loved Lindsay’s confidence and determination to be who she was. I told Mitchell that I am even going to miss her presence on social media. She was very active and commented on all my posts as well as shared about her life and her opinions on social. And, she was an incredible writer. I so enjoyed her writing in her cancer updates, even though I wish she didn’t have to do that. I love that her personality and voice showed through each piece she wrote.
Lindsay’s personality was contagious. Life is just not going to be the same without her. I miss her so much.